Those who know me personally know that I was bullied for 2 years, through high school. I toyed with the idea of writing an open letter to them for a while but I have not managed to get the time/ the courage to sit down and write this till now. But I believe I owe it to myself to write this, to find some sort of closure.
The thing is, I’m kind of obtuse. So I don’t know who the hell you guys are. All I know is you guys are very real, at least in my mind. It kills me to admit this but there is always doubt when I meet people. I never know who it is who will turn on me, who it is who will laugh behind my back. There is always fear, doubt and then panic. And yes, all of this is running through my mind before I give a handshake, a smile.
But every time this happens, I push it to the back of my mind. And then I give that handshake and that smile. Because I refuse to be broken, or even bowed by you. Because why should I? I have not done anything wrong and I am not worth less despite you guys trying so desperately to tell me that. Actually, I guess I should thank you guys since I started valuing myself more and started giving no shits for people not worth my time. You are a reminder that I should (and I will) value my good friends who stuck with me. These are life lessons that I will always treasure.
Do I hate you? I don’t anymore. Even though I know you were being malicious (it was not accidental for sure), there are more things I have to pay attention to. More songs to sing. More poems to write. More debates to have. But I don’t want to forgive you either because I have no energy for that. I suppose this is indifference and I can understand why people call it the opposite of love.
You guys don’t deserve to win, not with me at all. So I will go ahead and create a beautiful things without any permissions. And I will go ahead and speak as freely as I want (within limits).
And if it kills you to think of me chatting with friends, well, too bad. Because I will do it with or without your permission.